Wounded Pride

May 15, 2012 (moved from a previous post)

Today, I had a less-than-stellar mommy-moment—really, it was a meltdown (on my part, not Jonathan’s). 

We were having a rough day from the start because we all have colds.  The only word I can think of to describe how Jonathan was feeling today is “cantankerous.”  He woke up saying, “No!” and cried because I put his breakfast on a plate instead of in a bowl…  Anyway, my part in the whole thing resulted from a pillow on the couch.  After a morning of battles, I lost it when he threw one of the couch pillows on the floor and adamantly refused to pick it up.  He looked at me with a huge grin on his face and declared, “No, Mommy!”  I spanked him and yelled.  He cried.  Benjamin is a sympathy-crier, so he cried because Jonathan was crying.  I felt bad, so I started crying.  Max ran to the door and howled to be let out of the chaos.  Yes, I’m sure the entire neighborhood could hear us.

So, why am I writing about this?  Why do I want people to know this about me?  I don’t.  My pride is very hurt in telling it.  I want people to see me as someone who has it all together, all the time.  But it’s not true.  I have learned in the very short time that I’ve been a parent that “Mothering” is “a sport”—a competition, to be exact.  Everyone always wants their kid to be the best, and we want to be the best at facilitating that for our kid.  So, we tell everyone about our triumphs as a parent.  We brag about all our kid can do.  We talk about all the wonderful things we do with and for our children.  But, not talking about our bad days—especially our own part in our bad days-- makes everyone else feel like they are the only ones who struggle. 

I realized this around the time that Jonathan turned one.  I was concerned about something with him (I don’t even know what now), and I was talking about it to my best friend.  One of the statements she made was, “I’m glad to know that you are unsure of some of these things too.  You always seem like you know so much about babies and kids because you’re an early childhood teacher.  You always have it so together.”  I will say that teaching early elementary school for the last 12 years doesn’t make a lot of things a surprise to me.  But, handling some of those things is a whole other story. 

I remember after Jonathan was first born, laying him screaming in his crib, taking a shower so I couldn’t hear him, and sobbing.  I felt so guilty.  I had an “easy” baby.  He ate well, slept “through the night” (6 hours in a row is not “through the night” to me) by 6 weeks, and rarely cried for no reason.  At the time, I thought I was the only person who had “an easy baby” that would do that.  Now, I know that pretty much everyone does that.  And, pretty much everyone loses it at one time or another (probably multiple times) with their kid.  

 Parenting is tough (it makes you appreciate your own parents a lot more).  It can be discouraging.  It definitely hurts your pride and reveals just what a jerk you can be sometimes.  It’s hard enough without trying to compete with all the other parents out there.  Yes, my kids are great, and I love them to pieces (even when they are difficult sometimes).  But, we do have bad days, and I AM a wreck sometimes.  I just want you to know that so you never look at me and think that I have it “together” and you don’t. 

Sometimes I can't control my children...

Sometimes my house is a (happy) mess!